I didn’t know what true love was until I met YOU

 

Love,

12 days to the moment you began to read this….

Honestly, you have been the absolute greatest thing that has ever happened to me. You offer me with more than you know. I will be infinitely thankful for that. I know that you love me for me, despite my imperfections. I know that there really is no one who can love me like you do.

I know how much I mean to you because you show me every single day from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed. I know I don’t always show it but I appreciate everything you do for me and I hope you know how much you mean to me and how in love with you I am. You are not only my girlfriend but you are my best friend which makes this relationship so much better. I admire you with all my heart.

I cannot picture my life without you.

Thank you for everything you do and continue to do, even in the times when I don’t really deserve it. I love you, for forever and a day. I promise.

Love,

Me.

 

Sheen, my forever love.

Today was supposed to be our 55th monthsary.
It’s 2:42PM and it’s officially been 133,056,000 seconds, 2,217,600 minutes, 36,960 hours, 1540 days, 220 weeks, 55 months, and counting since I have met you and fell in love with you.
And during that time. I’ve had the best years of my life with you. Even though we are no longer together, today is still our day and because we aren’t a couple anymore, I’d at least like to celebrate how our relationship has helped me grow over the years and how amazing of a girl you truly are. I’m so happy that you came into my life. As flawed as I am, you accepted me and you helped shape me into becoming a better woman and I am grateful for that. You’ve even taught me some things along the way and added more layers to my personality. You have done more for me than anyone else ever has and I will never stop appreciating you for it. 
It’s unfortunate that life gets in the way and it’s driven us to end our relationship. I didn’t want it to happen. At least, not at first. But over the past few weeks, I’ve rediscovered parts of myself that I forgot were there and I’ve reconnected with the people whom have always been there. I’ve realized that there is still so much more to be happy about and there is still so much love left in my life. Yes, you’ve hurt me. You’ve made mistakes that have caused me pain. You’ve done things that have broken me. You’ve mistreated me in a way that made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Despite that, I’ve forgiven you for it all and I won’t dwell in it. However, I’m not going to act like I haven’t done my fair share of wrongdoings to you as well and for all of those things I’ve done whether they were unintentional or on purpose, I’m sorry. 
Up to this point, we’ve only been broken up for 5 weeks and there’s still a possibility that we’ll get back together, but in case we don’t and this break up is finalized, I just wanted to thank you for the experience. Thank you for giving me a chance when everyone else didn’t. Thank you for loving me when I thought nobody would. Thank you for being there for me when I felt like I had no friends. Thank you for supporting me when I was on the verge of giving up on life. Thank you for believing in me when I thought I wouldn’t amount to anything. Thank you for giving me strength when I felt too weak to be able to accomplish my goals. Thank you for coming out of nowhere and surprising me with the fact that a girl like you exists. Thank you for turning out to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Thank you for making an impact so significant in my life that it will follow me forever. But its sad that we broke up for something that involved some act of betrayal. I don’t hate you for leaving me. I can never hate you. I only hope that you were able to see that I was the best girlfriend I could possibly be for you and I tried my best to give you the world, even if it was only a fraction of it. 
We were supposed to outlast them all, but I don’t regret a thing and I’m happy we happened. If we are meant to get back together and give us another try, then things will fall into place on their own and we can take it from there. But until and if such a time comes, let’s live because we are still too young and there’s so much more living that has to be done before we figure out what’s best for us. Let’s take this break up as an opportunity to establish ourselves to be what we want to be in life before we possibly find our way back to each other. Let’s explore and see what life has to offer us. Let’s find ourselves, okay? 

But for now, I hope you’ll be able to find happiness with her as you did with me, only it’ll be the kind of happiness that stays. And I’ll be happy that I got to be the one who helped prepare you for her. For now, I don’t know how long it’ll be until I’ll move on. I don’t know how long it’ll take to get over you. But I just want you to know, I’ll start the process of letting you go because you wanted to be with her and you can’t do that if I keep holding on. So, I’ll respect your wishes and let you be. Whenever you need me, I’ll be here. I am finally at peace with losing you because I’m just thankful I even had you for as long as I did.
Maybe we’ve outgrown each other. Maybe we’ve become bored of ourselves and in doing so, became bored of each other. Maybe we’ve lost ourselves along the way and in doing so, things between us died down. Maybe we’ve realized we want different things and it’s no longer the right time to be together. But that’s for us to know, because only we can truly understand us. 
Perhaps, I could have just sent this directly to you. Perhaps, a simple text message would have been more appropriate. Perhaps, I should have kept these thoughts private and not get so personal. But I’ve always been the kind of person who had no filter when it comes to expressing her feelings. 
You will be a tough act to follow. 
I will miss you.
I love you. 
I will always love you.
Happy 4 years and 8 months of love to us.

Does it really always have to be this way? 

She has changed. She has become selfish, insensitive. She doesn’t listen anymore… She just wants to be listened to. She turns the table on me more often now. Is unapologetic, proud, “masumbat”. I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m just more of a “need” now than a “love”… that we just got back together because she needs me more than she loves me. If all these were true, must I endure? For how long? Will she ever get better? or just worse?

But I love her. Does it really always have to be this way? 

I’m afraid that once she finds someone better, someone who would fulfill her needs – then she might just fall in love with that person and leave…. again.

Will i never be secured with her again? Must I always be in fear? Wrapped around her finger? Give in to her every whim for fear of losing her again?

Must it always be this way? Loving through, with and despite the pain?
D

What love can do

I can not believe that I am in this situation.. for the nth time.

Because I still love you, I tried so hard to forget everything and start all over. First few days were really rough. You were still talking to another woman but I let that pass because I wanted you in my life. You went out with a guy at 2 AM, I was so mad but I still have forgiven you. YES. I love you that much. You promised me you would stop talking to her but I caught you when I checked your bill.You have been lying to me but all these things I was willing to forget because you make me happy.

I went to the province and you knew I needed that break. I needed to get out of the city to rest. To stop worrying and to see Mom. I was just with my friends but why do you need to destroy me again just because you were jealous that I was with a guy friend. Isn’t that a lame reason to destroy your partner’s life? To humiliate her to her friends and to everyone who know her? I was really trying so hard to change just for you.

Just when I thought that everything was back to normal but you did this again. I feel so down that I will burst out anytime soon. You have no idea how hard this is considering the fact that only a few people know the real me.

I WANNA DIE. Seriously I am so desperate. People are judging me, laughing at me. Are you happy?

If anything happens, to anyone who will come across this post, you know who to blame.

I wanted to make a shoutout to the person who constantly talks to me. You may not have any idea what’s really going on, you make me really really happy and forget that I am in a deep mess. Soon enough I will have the courage to tell you who I really am.

Guys, please pray for me.

D

Lust or sacrifice

Mustard Seed Budget

valentines

For love, some only understand love.

If we are merely evolutionary beasts, then we can satiate whatever kinky idea that occurs to us. The “Sexual Revolution” is a misnomer; it is a “Sexual Devolution.”

These don’t know about the sublime love of Jesus. Lust procures to get for itself. Jesus’ love came to give.

He sweated drops of blood, such was His agony in the buildup to his arrest and crucifixion. But he endured it all because He loved you and me. Jesus’ love is so unlike ours. It’s from another dimension. Can we even grasp?

The broken-hearted, the girl who’s cutting her wrist, the guy who’s contemplating suicide — needs to grasp it. The divorcee whose pain gushes where love once flowed. The celebrity who flashes smiles before cameras but drowns out his sorrows when alone.

Christ is for losers — and in this cruel world, we’re all losers…

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An Open Letter to my Forever

I never really thought our relationship would come to an end. God knows, you are the only person I have loved more than anything else, more than my life. You were my sunshine when everything seems so dark. You were everything to me. You have no idea how happy I am whenever I get a notification from my phone and your name pops up. Whenever my phone rings, without looking, I knew you were the one who was calling checking if I have eaten breakfast or if I arrived safely at work or if you didn’t get a text from me when you were on break. Calling you on facetime before I go to bed and waking up in the wee hours of the night and you were still on my iPad watching you get ready for work. I always look forward to every 27th of the month. Sending you long random texts telling you how beautiful you are and how lucky I was for having you despite all the bad things that’s happening along the way.

Today is Valentine’s day and today is the first in 3 years that I spend this day without you – worst, you’re with someone else as I write this. All dressed and made up. This is the worst day of my life next to the day I lost you, my forever love.

I know I have lapses, too. I have so many shortcomings that I thought I’d be able to made up for because I’d never lose you. Remember? We promised that we would be together forever?

When I told you I love you, I meant it. Yes I am still in love with you and I really don’t know where to go from here. Lucky you, you have friends (who know situation). I am alone in this battle and I don’t know if I can make it through. It’s true that I almost killed myself the day you destroyed me.

I am so sorry If I couldn’t fight for you. If only You had helped me, i would have, Sheen. I had plans, Sheen. But you ruined them. Yes you did. I wanted to do it step by step ‘cos it would be hard for my family to accept it once they found out. I couldn’t do it just the way you wanted – I’m really sorry. We were raised differently. We have different people around us. Why is it so hard for you to understand? You said you loved me but why couldn’t you accept me for what I am, for what I can offer?

You said you loved me but why didn’t i know that you’ve got so many friends over there. Little things you hide from me really hurt, Sheen.

You said you loved me but why do you go out with your “friends” and send me your photos with them drinking to make me jealous, to get back at me just ‘cos of the mean things I said. Don’t you know that people say things that they don’t really mean when they’re mad?

You said you loved me but why do you have to destroy me to my family, friends and colleagues whenever we fight? Why do you count all the gifts that you give me and tell people that I am only after your
money?

You said you loved me but why is it hard for you to understand that I only had to go out with that guy just to cover up all the humiliation you did to me. I wanted my relationship with my family back. Just that. I was left with no choice. I couldnt tell you. I had to lie. I had to hide it from you ‘cos I was really afraid of getting humiliated again.

And it happened.

Now I am so destroyed. People are talking about me. I didn’t want to go out, check facebook and stuff.

Few weeks after the incident, you’re dating. Like nothing happened. Saying things like I was the bad person. I know I didn’t fight for you, Sheen, from the very beginning I told you my situation and now its an issue.

I guess I really have to let you go. Kahit kelan di ko nakuha yung respeto na deserve ko from you. Sana naman don’t date muna. Kasi ang sakit eh. Sobrang sakit.

I still want to believe that we are meant to be, but I shouldn’t. One day, our paths will cross again. I hope.

D

Is this something Worth another try?

I am thinking so deeply as I write this entry. I don’t know what’s going on and “it’s” beginning to hit me again and this is absofuckinlutely not right!

Sometime Last month I got a random text from a girl i fell in love with. I actually never checked my other phone and Its always switched off. Iunno what came to me and I suddenly felt the urge to send her a message on facebook — well I basically just wanted to touch base with her to check how she was doing and I was surprised when she said she sent me a text on my other number and without thinking twice I immediately rushed to my room, looked for my charger, plugged it in, switched it on — and I blushed. A TEXT FROM MY GIRL.

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I called her. All caught up. We started exchanging texts from then on and since I am that playful (in a good way ofcourse) and I missed her, I told her how everything changed since she left, that kind of stuff. And as expected she stopped talking to me again, never returned my calls and she ignored my texts. I got paranoid and thought that I might’ve said something that made her do that.

This girl really has it! She can make me the happiest and the miserable one at the same time just like that. Why do I let her do that!! — That I am still figuring out.

I know she doesn’t want anyone hurt and its pretty obvious that she doesnt mean to give me false hopes. I just make myself believe in things that are not really bound to happen. So it’s me. The problem is with ME!

The other night, I saw her liked a funny photo posted by a common friend on instagram which I left a comment on (I couldnt help it. Lol) So I took the risk of being ignored again (One thing that I hate the most) and left a comment on her most recent photo and sent her a viber message. She replied!!!!!!! Wheew! I’m at my happiest again. She called me and we talked until midnight laughing about random stuff like kids! Best night ever to date. Seeing her before I doze off was the highlight of my day. We talked over facetime just to say goodnight.

We werent able to talk that much yesterday ‘cos of our busy schedule. I finished work early but I had to go straight to a mall in Makati to see my sister and while waiting, I called her. So we were just talking about usual stuff. It was fun, as always. And then I didn’t have the chance to update her when I got home cos I was busy preparing dinner for my siblings and when I checked my phone, a missed call from her! Oh no!!! When she called back I don’t know why but I explained why I didn’t text and stuff and then she was like “Why didn’t you text me?” — I blushed!!!!

So much About our random moments. I can not wait to post photos of us together when We see each other next week.

She’s awesome but things are so complicated.

xx

Untitled

Well….. I just thought I should update this blog and let my readers know how stupid can I get sometimes. LOL

Sometimes when you’re too candid with your feelings with the person you like they tend to neglect you in every level ‘cos they’re confident that when time comes that they feel like talking to you, you wouldn’t ignore them.

I’ve been keeping myself busy this past few days just to avoid thinking about you. But I just cant. I can’t stop liking you. From the very beginning its still you. I’m not obsessed. LOL definitely not. I just like you too much. We have that chemistry and I know you know that and its the situation! Damn situation.

…..

So the lady I was talking about on my last post never texted me anymore. She was probably just bored… Or maybe not. Who knows!

xx

D

A Dyke in Detox

eljay32

I miss your laugh
I miss making you laugh
I miss you making me laugh
I miss knowing your highlights of the day
I miss sitting on the phone and taking turns ‘you-tubing’ humorous commercials
I miss coming by your place and seeing the rays of sunshine dance across the water as the waves crash upon the shore’s boulders
I miss those conversations of talking about everything and nothing at all
I miss your inner beauty and enlightenment
I miss the way you sound calling me by my alter-ego name (and how you spelled it)
I miss half priced sushi before hoops (what a gem we found)
I miss the photos you would send of the page of a current read that penetrated your heart deeply
I miss talking about the the page of a current read that penetrated your heart deeply
I miss hearing the jubilation in your voice…

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